Hoping to afford healthcare? Apply today!

The Broken Femurs, Broken Dreams Program

Did you break your leg and opt to have it fixed? Our scholarship could help you pay down that risky decision with our annual scholarship contest! The application opens at 3:00 AM EST on January 1st and closes promptly at 7:00 AM EST.

The Geico Fund Scholarship

Our application is now live! Save 15% percent or more of your family’s life savings from being used up in paying for your experimental treatment! …


Topical Satire

The economy is bad, but not this bad, right?

Photo by Forest Katsch on Unsplash

“What Goes Up Must Come Down — Including A Giant Chinese Rocket Plunging Toward Earth” - NPR, 5/6/21

Look, I get it. Well-paying jobs are few and far between. Sugar daddies can be fickle and hard to keep satisfied. The Herbalife or Monat investment isn’t paying out like your former classmate promised it would. Trust me, of all people, I understand why you would resort to this.

Hi, my name is Gerald, and I’m a personal injury lawyer. My official legal advice is that you should not, for the love of God and all that is holy, throw your body…


Realize that, if we started appearing in men’s veins after they took a birth control pill, America would discontinue the pill altogether.

Photo by Reproductive Health Supplies Coalition on Unsplash

7:00 a.m. Wake up with the sound of the Vein Vessel’s alarm, ready to cause a ruckus in her circulatory system! For some twisted reason, both her 7am morning alarm and her 7pm birth control alarm are “Baby” by Justin Bieber.

7:15 a.m. Have my morning coffee and do some gratitude journaling. Every day I give thanks for my Life Source, the daily hormonal birth control pill the Vein Vessel takes. She sure loves all that fancy reproductive freedom it gives her despite the one in a thousand risk of developing, well, little old me!

7:45 a.m. Do some low-impact…


Satire

Predict your future with the 2021 edition of the classic paper-and-pencil game!

Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash

Worried about your uncertain future in Year 2 of the pandemic? Don’t be! Leave it to our updated game of M.A.S.H. to predict exactly how the rest of your miserable existence will unfold.

Grab a pencil and get ready to despair!

M.A.S.H.

Mansion (with frozen and burst plumbing)

Apartment (with a landlord ignoring the eviction moratorium)

Shack

House (with anti-masker roommates)

Job

Broadway dancer (in a show that shut down a year ago)

Minimum wage gig (in a place where the minimum wage is still <$15)

Salaried writer (in a media company preparing to do layoffs via Zoom)

Furloughed Forever (in a…


Food Allergy

Not killing you is the biggest buzzkill!

Photo by Haley Phelps on Unsplash

If you’re a kid with a food allergy, you know how annoyed people can get with just how easy it is to murder you with a stray Reese’s piece. Have you wondered if that makes you a Halloween buzzkill? Finally, our quiz will let you know for sure!

What are you dressed up as this Halloween?

1. A fireman. I want to be one when I grow up to help save people’s homes all around California.

2. Scream with the fake blood pouring down the mask. You know the one. Alternatively, definitely something racist.

Which candy are you hoping to get while trick or treating?

1. I really love Smarties and Sour Patch Kids! …


Preparing for the most epic party, I mean storm, season yet!

Photo by NASA on Unsplash

“Storms Alpha and Beta form: Hurricane season 2020 has been so busy, we have to use Greek letters.” — USA Today, 9/18/20

The annual Atlantic Hurricane Panhellenic Council meeting was called to order at 8:00 pm with a roll call. Hurricane chapter delegates were all in attendance. Panhellenic Council President of Hurricane Alpha Nu chapter presiding.

Transcribed Opening Remarks by Council President (CP)

CP: Congratulations to everyone on what’s already proving to be an Atlantic hurricane season for the ages. I’m stoked to see how busy you all are with causing righteous mass flooding and destruction, so I’ll try to keep things moving as quickly as possible…


Find out if you are $1,200 worth of Italian sediment or $1,200 worth of American human being!

Photo by Massimo Virgilio on Unsplash

“A French tourist has been ordered to pay a €1,000 ($1,200) fine after attempting to fly out of Sardinia with more than four pounds of local sand in his luggage.” — CNN, 9/7/20

Where were you born?

1. Sardinia, Italy. Well, given that you are sand, you were never born. You were formed over a several-thousand-year process of sedimentary erosion which eventually deposited you onto your Italian beach.

2. Pound, Wisconsin — born and raised!

What is your favorite aspect of your physical appearance?

1. Depending on the beach, Sardinian sand can range between pearly white and iridescent pink. You are truly a visually stunning tourist draw. …


This four-year-old’s bodily autonomy will not be threatened!

Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash

Mommy told me yesterday that the country is reopening and I will be going back to preschool. I must admit, I’m elated. While it has been a privilege to attend Zoom daycare on Daddy’s iPad for the past few months, I really miss the in-person experience. It has been too long since I’ve enjoyed the most fundamentally American of pastimes: picking my nose and flicking the fruits of my scavenging into Annoying Amy’s hair during read-aloud. Eating my boogies on camera while muting Ms. Debby’s escalating pleas that I stop just doesn’t do it for me.

Alas, I digress.

I…


How could the CDC miss this?

Photo by Raphael Lovaski on Unsplash

I have recently come to know that a tall singing blonde lady has been trying to warn us about COVID-19 for years and we have been too naïve to listen. Or at least to listen critically enough.

Here is a selection of my peer-reviewed, empirical research findings:

Cruel Summer (Lover, 2019)

Prophetic lyrics: “Fever dream high in the quiet of the night, you know that I caught it.”

The first sign of catching a SARS-CoV-2 infection is often a fever.

All Too Well (Red, 2012)

Prophetic lyrics: “Cuz there we are again in the middle of the night. We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light.”

The clubs…


Don’t miss these pandemic DIY tips!

Photo by Twitter: @jankolario on Unsplash

As a Polish person, I am well-versed in the art of cheese and potato. So, it is only fair that I guide you all on how best to use this pandemic bounty.

Here are some of my most popular cheese and potato projects for you to try:

  1. Cheese wedge doorstops. Wedge your doors open and never fear they will close without your permission again.
  2. Also effective: potato doorstops. Feel free to alternate between cheese and potato across rooms to best match your décor.
  3. Potatoes are great home workout weights. This project is particularly useful for those of you looking to get into the lucrative world of e-commerce. …

Kasia Kalinowska

New Yorker, public health nerd, avoiding death by peanut. Words in Points in Case, Please See Me, and others. See more at kasiakalinowska.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store