Worried about your uncertain future in Year 2 of the pandemic? Don’t be! Leave it to our updated game of M.A.S.H. to predict exactly how the rest of your miserable existence will unfold.
Grab a pencil and get ready to despair!
Mansion (with frozen and burst plumbing)
Apartment (with a landlord ignoring the eviction moratorium)
House (with anti-masker roommates)
Broadway dancer (in a show that shut down a year ago)
Minimum wage gig (in a place where the minimum wage is still <$15)
Salaried writer (in a media company preparing to do layoffs via Zoom)
Furloughed Forever (in a…
If you’re a kid with a food allergy, you know how annoyed people can get with just how easy it is to murder you with a stray Reese’s piece. Have you wondered if that makes you a Halloween buzzkill? Finally, our quiz will let you know for sure!
1. A fireman. I want to be one when I grow up to help save people’s homes all around California.
2. Scream with the fake blood pouring down the mask. You know the one. Alternatively, definitely something racist.
1. I really love Smarties and Sour Patch Kids! …
The Broken Femurs, Broken Dreams Program
Did you break your leg and opt to have it fixed? Our scholarship could help you pay down that risky decision with our annual scholarship contest! The application opens at 3:00 AM EST on January 1st and closes promptly at 7:00 AM EST.
The Geico Fund Scholarship
Our application is now live! Save 15% percent or more of your family’s life savings from being used up in paying for your experimental treatment! …
“Storms Alpha and Beta form: Hurricane season 2020 has been so busy, we have to use Greek letters.” — USA Today, 9/18/20
The annual Atlantic Hurricane Panhellenic Council meeting was called to order at 8:00 pm with a roll call. Hurricane chapter delegates were all in attendance. Panhellenic Council President of Hurricane Alpha Nu chapter presiding.
CP: Congratulations to everyone on what’s already proving to be an Atlantic hurricane season for the ages. I’m stoked to see how busy you all are with causing righteous mass flooding and destruction, so I’ll try to keep things moving as quickly as possible…
“A French tourist has been ordered to pay a €1,000 ($1,200) fine after attempting to fly out of Sardinia with more than four pounds of local sand in his luggage.” — CNN, 9/7/20
1. Sardinia, Italy. Well, given that you are sand, you were never born. You were formed over a several-thousand-year process of sedimentary erosion which eventually deposited you onto your Italian beach.
2. Pound, Wisconsin — born and raised!
1. Depending on the beach, Sardinian sand can range between pearly white and iridescent pink. You are truly a visually stunning tourist draw. …
Mommy told me yesterday that the country is reopening and I will be going back to preschool. I must admit, I’m elated. While it has been a privilege to attend Zoom daycare on Daddy’s iPad for the past few months, I really miss the in-person experience. It has been too long since I’ve enjoyed the most fundamentally American of pastimes: picking my nose and flicking the fruits of my scavenging into Annoying Amy’s hair during read-aloud. Eating my boogies on camera while muting Ms. Debby’s escalating pleas that I stop just doesn’t do it for me.
Alas, I digress.
I have recently come to know that a tall singing blonde lady has been trying to warn us about COVID-19 for years and we have been too naïve to listen. Or at least to listen critically enough.
Here is a selection of my peer-reviewed, empirical research findings:
Prophetic lyrics: “Fever dream high in the quiet of the night, you know that I caught it.”
The first sign of catching a SARS-CoV-2 infection is often a fever.
Prophetic lyrics: “Cuz there we are again in the middle of the night. We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light.”
As a Polish person, I am well-versed in the art of cheese and potato. So, it is only fair that I guide you all on how best to use this pandemic bounty.
A food allergy reaction sends a person to the emergency room every three minutes in the United States. At least, that was the statistic cited before the coronavirus pandemic.
As Emergency Departments across the country fill with COVID-19 patients, people experiencing other health emergencies are missing. Potential heart attack and stroke patients are avoiding the one place that can help them because, suddenly, it’s a dangerous place to be.
However, allergic reactions are unique emergencies because they strike on a gradient. An allergic reaction victim may quickly recover after self-administering oral antihistamines or die within minutes of allergen exposure. On…
People are breaking up, rekindling love stories, or just plain getting bored with each other in their tiny apartments and over FaceTime. One woman is even raising money for charity by running a website offering paid access to other people’s quarantine breakup gossip.
So what do you do what you want to find new love or help a neglected love grow? NPR has featured stories of people continuing and beginning new love stories over social distance. Glamour’s Stefanie Groner even pitched a list of 21 virtual dates you can go on in quarantine.
It will require about 45 minutes of…