Satire

Predict your future with the 2021 edition of the classic paper-and-pencil game!

Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash

Worried about your uncertain future in Year 2 of the pandemic? Don’t be! Leave it to our updated game of M.A.S.H. to predict exactly how the rest of your miserable existence will unfold.

Grab a pencil and get ready to despair!

M.A.S.H.

Mansion (with frozen and burst plumbing)

Apartment (with a landlord ignoring the eviction moratorium)

Shack

House (with anti-masker roommates)

Job

Broadway dancer (in a show that shut down a year ago)

Minimum wage gig (in a place where the minimum wage is still <$15)

Salaried writer (in a media company preparing to do layoffs via Zoom)

Furloughed Forever (in a…


Food Allergy

Not killing you is the biggest buzzkill!

Photo by Haley Phelps on Unsplash

If you’re a kid with a food allergy, you know how annoyed people can get with just how easy it is to murder you with a stray Reese’s piece. Have you wondered if that makes you a Halloween buzzkill? Finally, our quiz will let you know for sure!

What are you dressed up as this Halloween?

1. A fireman. I want to be one when I grow up to help save people’s homes all around California.

2. Scream with the fake blood pouring down the mask. You know the one. Alternatively, definitely something racist.

Which candy are you hoping to get while trick or treating?

1. I really love Smarties and Sour Patch Kids! …


Hoping to afford healthcare? Apply today!

The Broken Femurs, Broken Dreams Program

Did you break your leg and opt to have it fixed? Our scholarship could help you pay down that risky decision with our annual scholarship contest! The application opens at 3:00 AM EST on January 1st and closes promptly at 7:00 AM EST.

The Geico Fund Scholarship

Our application is now live! Save 15% percent or more of your family’s life savings from being used up in paying for your experimental treatment! …


Preparing for the most epic party, I mean storm, season yet!

Photo by NASA on Unsplash

“Storms Alpha and Beta form: Hurricane season 2020 has been so busy, we have to use Greek letters.” — USA Today, 9/18/20

The annual Atlantic Hurricane Panhellenic Council meeting was called to order at 8:00 pm with a roll call. Hurricane chapter delegates were all in attendance. Panhellenic Council President of Hurricane Alpha Nu chapter presiding.

Transcribed Opening Remarks by Council President (CP)

CP: Congratulations to everyone on what’s already proving to be an Atlantic hurricane season for the ages. I’m stoked to see how busy you all are with causing righteous mass flooding and destruction, so I’ll try to keep things moving as quickly as possible…


Find out if you are $1,200 worth of Italian sediment or $1,200 worth of American human being!

Photo by Massimo Virgilio on Unsplash

“A French tourist has been ordered to pay a €1,000 ($1,200) fine after attempting to fly out of Sardinia with more than four pounds of local sand in his luggage.” — CNN, 9/7/20

Where were you born?

1. Sardinia, Italy. Well, given that you are sand, you were never born. You were formed over a several-thousand-year process of sedimentary erosion which eventually deposited you onto your Italian beach.

2. Pound, Wisconsin — born and raised!

What is your favorite aspect of your physical appearance?

1. Depending on the beach, Sardinian sand can range between pearly white and iridescent pink. You are truly a visually stunning tourist draw. …


This four-year-old’s bodily autonomy will not be threatened!

Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash

Mommy told me yesterday that the country is reopening and I will be going back to preschool. I must admit, I’m elated. While it has been a privilege to attend Zoom daycare on Daddy’s iPad for the past few months, I really miss the in-person experience. It has been too long since I’ve enjoyed the most fundamentally American of pastimes: picking my nose and flicking the fruits of my scavenging into Annoying Amy’s hair during read-aloud. Eating my boogies on camera while muting Ms. Debby’s escalating pleas that I stop just doesn’t do it for me.

Alas, I digress.

I…


How could the CDC miss this?

Photo by Raphael Lovaski on Unsplash

I have recently come to know that a tall singing blonde lady has been trying to warn us about COVID-19 for years and we have been too naïve to listen. Or at least to listen critically enough.

Here is a selection of my peer-reviewed, empirical research findings:

Cruel Summer (Lover, 2019)

Prophetic lyrics: “Fever dream high in the quiet of the night, you know that I caught it.”

The first sign of catching a SARS-CoV-2 infection is often a fever.

All Too Well (Red, 2012)

Prophetic lyrics: “Cuz there we are again in the middle of the night. We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light.”

The clubs…


Don’t miss these pandemic DIY tips!

Photo by Twitter: @jankolario on Unsplash

As a Polish person, I am well-versed in the art of cheese and potato. So, it is only fair that I guide you all on how best to use this pandemic bounty.

Here are some of my most popular cheese and potato projects for you to try:

  1. Cheese wedge doorstops. Wedge your doors open and never fear they will close without your permission again.
  2. Also effective: potato doorstops. Feel free to alternate between cheese and potato across rooms to best match your décor.
  3. Potatoes are great home workout weights. This project is particularly useful for those of you looking to get into the lucrative world of e-commerce. …


Food Allergy

What do allergy patients do when the ER is less safe?

An ambulance turns through a New York City intersection.
An ambulance turns through a New York City intersection.
Photo by Benjamin Voros on Unsplash

A food allergy reaction sends a person to the emergency room every three minutes in the United States. At least, that was the statistic cited before the coronavirus pandemic.

As Emergency Departments across the country fill with COVID-19 patients, people experiencing other health emergencies are missing. Potential heart attack and stroke patients are avoiding the one place that can help them because, suddenly, it’s a dangerous place to be.

However, allergic reactions are unique emergencies because they strike on a gradient. An allergic reaction victim may quickly recover after self-administering oral antihistamines or die within minutes of allergen exposure. On…


Romance doesn’t have to wait until this is all over.

I think the jury is still out on whether it is worse to be quarantined with a partner or alone during this pandemic.

People are breaking up, rekindling love stories, or just plain getting bored with each other in their tiny apartments and over FaceTime. One woman is even raising money for charity by running a website offering paid access to other people’s quarantine breakup gossip.

So what do you do what you want to find new love or help a neglected love grow? NPR has featured stories of people continuing and beginning new love stories over social distance. Glamour’s Stefanie Groner even pitched a list of 21 virtual dates you can go on in quarantine.

I’m going to propose a new virtual date idea that draws on a tried-and-tested technique for helping love bloom between you and a chosen partner.

It will require about 45 minutes of…

Kasia Kalinowska

New Yorker, public health nerd, avoiding death by peanut. Words in Points in Case, Please See Me, and others. See more at kasiakalinowska.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store