The Case Against My Preschool’s Authoritarian Mask Mandate
This four-year-old’s bodily autonomy will not be threatened!
Mommy told me yesterday that the country is reopening and I will be going back to preschool. I must admit, I’m elated. While it has been a privilege to attend Zoom daycare on Daddy’s iPad for the past few months, I really miss the in-person experience. It has been too long since I’ve enjoyed the most fundamentally American of pastimes: picking my nose and flicking the fruits of my scavenging into Annoying Amy’s hair during read-aloud. Eating my boogies on camera while muting Ms. Debby’s escalating pleas that I stop just doesn’t do it for me.
Alas, I digress.
I am here today to present the case against the requirement that my classmates and I (but mostly I) wear masks when we return to pre-K in a matter of weeks.
First of all, Mommy says I am the most adorable boy who has ever lived. If this postulate holds true as given by the axiom that Mommy never lies, it must also hold true that my wearing a mask would deprive my peers and teachers of experiencing the full glory of the one (1) most adorable boy in existence. I believe keeping my cherubic visage partially obscured by a mask would thus constitute an injustice inflicted upon others.